Bahama Breeze, Beachwood, Ohio

Atmosphere: 4.5/5

Service: 4/5

Drinks: 3.5/5

Food: 2.5/5

Overall: 3.5/5; This place would be amazing if it had good food. Not the best thing to say about a restaurant. What’s that? That’s the worst thing I could say about a restaurant? Well, uhh, yeah, that’s true. Blast.

We live in NEO. I love it. With the Spring we’re having, it’s a wonder more people don’t move to NEO for the weather alone. However even someone who is as adamant about their love for this marvelous place as I am must admit that sometimes you just feel like getting away. Well, the Bahama Breeze is just that escape. It’s the sort of place that helps you imagine that you are at one of those all-inclusive joints in the Caribbean. The drinks are delicious and watered down, and the food is clearly mass-produced or microwaved – but both are plentiful!

My favorite thing about the Bahama Breeze is their atmosphere. Do yourself a favor, if ever you go — sit on their ‘veranda.’ Yeah, it’s indoors but the décor is a dead ringer for one of those seemingly-shoddily-built-but-somehow-always-manage-to-be-the-last-thing-standing-after-the-hurricane-hits huts. You know what I’m talking about. They always have some clever name like ‘La Pallapa,’ which you’re pretty sure you never learned in high school Spanish but seems to be the perfect name for the place. Anyway, the Bahama Breeze veranda is a dead ringer. At my most recent dinner there I kept telling my friends that after dinner we should all go up to the hotel, change into our suits and come down for a dip as the sun sets. Imagine my horror when a tropical storm of immense proportions actually did strike us and forced us to stay in for some of the hotel run ‘entertainment.’ Then imagine my terror (which eclipses my horror by a good bit) when eventually I had to go out to get my car and was struck by the Ohio-ness of it all like so many thousands large, cold drops of water getting me wet and chilling me. But, for that hour and a half, the décor, with only minimal assistance from my overactive imagination, managed to convince me that I was on vacation in the tropics. And frankly, I can’t put a price tag on an experience like that. Good news though, Bahama Breeze conveniently price-tagged it for me.

My experiences at the Bahama Breeze have shown me a succession of career servers (hint, not a compliment). They are efficient, know their stuff, but sadly lack that playfulness that you get from a server who knows that this is just another stop in their journey. They make few mistakes and recite their ‘favorites’ with a tone I normally recite for algebra equations. That is to say, their presentation leaves something to be desired. On Sunday, our waiter Angelo fit that description to a T. He recognized us (well, not us, but the generic model in his head of the sorts of customers we were) as soon as he saw us, and treated us accordingly, even trying out a few jokes as if to prove that he knew what we wanted. And to be fair to Angelo, he had us pegged correctly. I found myself more impressed with his service than the 18% that Bahama Breeze felt I owed him. Not much more, but still, I felt it worth mentioning.

Alcohol-wise, the Breeze Bar pulls an old page out of the cheap owner’s book – tall, skinny glasses that make you feel as if you’re drinking a lot, and the sorts of fruity beach drinks that are WAY more fruit than alcohol. No real danger of getting drunk here, especially not at their prices (cheapest mixed drink on the menu was over $6. I passed.). However, the drinks are delightful in their presentation, melding colors and textures very well to the delight of most of my friends. I mean, alcohol content aside, there is something positive to be said about making a drink that is tasty and leaves the drinker wanting more. In that sense, well played, Bahama Breeze. Well played.

The biggest issue I have with the Bahama Breeze is that their food is just not that good. This past time I tried their Shrimp Curry Rice Bowl. The flavor was good, but the rice was undercooked and had that unfortunate almost crunchy quality that rice can have sometimes. That ought never happen at a restaurant. Seriously, it’s Rice. My girlfriend Karla had the beef empanadas, which were good, though definitely plain. Not a crime perhaps, but again, not something that encourages another visit. I tried one of their Coconut Shrimp, and that was good, though it seemed sweeter (in that fake coconutty way) than I would like it to be. A bright side was their dessert shots – approximately 8 small spoonfuls of some mixture of cake, fruit, mousse and whipped creams, artfully and decoratively blended together. There are, as it happens, 8 flavors of these shots, and thanks to my dear friend Dr. Brad, we got to try them all. I most enjoyed their Dulce de Leche shot, which, if you know me, is hardly a surprise, as I am a sucker for caramel, even fake caramel substitute flavoring. I actually enjoyed almost all of the dessert shots, except their healthy ‘fresh’ fruit option, which was decidedly sour. But hey, you can’t win them all.

In the end, I will likely go to Bahama Breeze again, but only because another of my friends wants to go. While there, I will enjoy their tasty drinks (which I will try to remember to spike from my handy dandy Bourbon flask) and then just sit back and pretend that I am mere feet away from an Ocean. It’s like a mental vacation, and frankly I think we could all use one of those.

The Rail, Fairlawn, Ohio

Atmosphere: 4/5

Service: 4/5 (VERY Variable)

Drinks: 4/5

Food: 4/5

Overall: 4/5; Amazing Burger if you’re just there for beef and their truffle fries are the best around. But everything seems like it could use some tweaking.
It wasn’t long ago that my desire for a burger meant I had to visit a fast-food establishment. Then my roomy Andrew pointed me to Five Guys Burgers. I was impressed – in his own words, Five Guys provided you with ‘The burger I would make at home if I had the time.’ That is, a simple, straight-forward burger with the toppings you want along with a bagful (literally) of fries. No more, no less. Then, shortly thereafter I was introduced to B-Spot, Iron Chef Michael Simon’s extraordinary burger joint (which has several locations, one in The Q (Quicken Loans Arena if you don’t know (Oh yeah, I’ll brackets within brackets, and there’s no telling when it will stop!)), and one in Eaton Plaza on Chagrin Blvd which I visit semi-regularly and am always very happy with). Since then, I have had my eyes opened to the myriad of higher end burger places that are around NEO. The Rail was pointed out to me last summer by Ryan, one of my favorite co-workers and a man whose opinion is not to be disregarded. He said, simply, that as far as just enjoying the beef aspect of a burger, the Rail kicked butt. I had to try it, and quickly found myself another burger bar that I find excuses to go to.

If you are the sort of person who looks around, and up, when you go places, it will quickly be clear to you why they called it the Rail. There is a rail on the ceiling with about a half dozen meat hooks descending from it at various intervals. Yes, I know, eating while recalling a mental image of the Jungle isn’t my idea of a good time either, but still, it’s clever and I can appreciate that. Further, as the upside down cow with all of the counties of Ohio prominently displayed above their kitchen window is strongly hinting, they are very proud of the fact that they serve fresh Ohio beef. That’s the sort of thing I can get behind. Aside from those two very specific aspects, it could be one of those ‘less is more’ bar and grills that you can appreciate when you just want to have a beer and watch a game. Well, except that it is not a great place to watch a game because their televisions, while large, just aren’t very well placed. It’s the sort of scenario where pretty much anywhere you sit, you will end up staring at a TV far away because the closest one to you will put your neck at an angle that only your chiropractor will enjoy. Ultimately, it struck me as the sort of quiet place to go and enjoy my meal while still keeping an eye on the game. Not for watching, but for the occasional peek sure to annoy the female in your life.

The wait staff is friendly and for the most part, energetic and knowledgeable. I’ve had some waiters there who were excellent, and a few who were duds, though that seems to be more of the exception than the rule. And their GM is a very jovial fellow who legitimately cares about the quality of your experience. I had the misfortune to get a burnt burger there once, an egregious error by my waiter considering I had ordered it medium-rare. The manager immediately spirited it away, brought me the replacement himself, and made sure to remove it from the bill. It made me pretty happy, especially because their double, which is what I ordered that day, ended up being my least favorite burger there. Long story short – the service should please you, though if it doesn’t, know you likely got the runt of that shift’s litter and that it isn’t indicative of the service normally.

The drinks and the burgers at the Rail suffer from the same malady, so I will group them together. Have you ever had a friend who was just nice? Never took anything off the table, metaphorically speaking, but didn’t really bring anything to it either. You like them fine, but you sure wish that just once they’d surprise you with something new or unique. That, for me, is the Rail when it comes to creativity. Yeah, the Burgers and Drinks are good. Their Long Island Iced Tea, one of my restaurant standards, is satisfying and well proofed. Two of them will have you happy and three will likely force you to hand over your keys. Here’s an young bartender’s trick regarding Long Islands for those of you who can’t seem to get a good one – sub out the sour mix (the uber-sweet mixer that, though cloying and invariably makes the drink worse, manages to sneak itself into WAY too many beverages) for ginger ale. Ginger ale provides you with the subtle bite of the sour mix (as well as a way to make the drink from being just a glorified shot) without hitting you over the head with its sweetness. Seriously, try it sometime. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. It may not make you love the Long Island, but I bet you’ll enjoy it more. Anyhow, let’s get away from that rabbit trail and back to the main point. The biggest weakness of the Rail is that their menu – drink and food alike – suffers from a bad case of ordinary. Their most intriguing burger topping is their tobacco onions (hint, they’re sauteed onions. Delicious, but hardly intriguing). Admittedly, their draw seems to be their beef and maybe they’re just wanting to make sure they’re not over-powering it, but…I mean…to quote the ESPN football crew – C’mon Man! Give me something to raise my eyebrows and make me wonder. Bring some mystery back to the Men/Menu relationship! That being said, whatever I’ve ordered I have been happy with. On my most recent visit I ordered the Bon Fire, a burger with Jalapeños, Pepper Jack cheese and their special sriracha chilli sauce. It deliver yet another single in a long line of singles. The difference between the Rail and other burger joints though, is that I really do enjoy their beef, even naked. In fact, I always make a point to have one bite of just beef every time. No bun, no condiments, no toppings. Just plain, grilled, Ohio grown/fed/slaughtered beef. Delicious and satisfying every time. Now imagine if I could get that with a myriad of pickles (assorted varieties please), and maybe a horseradish mayo or habañero pepper sriracha – ahh, now you have intrigued my palate!

Aside from the Burgers though, there is one dish that I order every time I go – Truffle Oil Fries. I’ve had their onion rings (need to be more crunchy) and their regular fries (delightfully plain), but I can’t ever bring myself to NOT order the Truffle fries. The good people at the Wire are firmly dedicated to dousing each batch of fries with as much Truffle oil as they can handle, then liberally add sliced Parmesan cheese, just for a break in the monotony, as if Truffle Fries can ever be monotonous! My lovely girlfriend will eschew the second half of her burger in order to maximize her Truffle Fry consumption, which makes me happy because that means pretty much every time I go there I get to try two different burgers. Everyone’s a winner at the Rail folks.

The Rail is a simple Ohio burger joint for us simple Ohio folk – it’s a no nonsense burger that you will enjoy thoroughly. Sure it could be more interesting, sure it could be more daring and sure, it could be more creative. Well, you know what, so could Ohio, but I love it just as it is. Wouldn’t change a thing. Although the Rail does provide a handy dandy suggestion sheet opposite the bill at the end of every meal, so feel free to do what I do, and frequently suggest ways to make it better. Like spicing up their avocado spread, or, like Ohio chose to do this year, cancel winter altogether. Then we can all be happy.

The Melting Pot, Lyndhurst, Ohio

Atmosphere: 5/5

Service: 5/5

Drinks: 4/5

Food: 3.5/5

Overall: 4.5/5; This place makes eating fun – go, eat the cheese fondue, enjoy the chocolate fondue and go home. Don’t waste your money on the main course.

I like playing with my food. I do. Further, I’m a sucker for the whole ‘watch while the food is prepared’ gimmick. What’s this, the waiter makes my salad at the table? Yes please! The Melting Pot offers me a fair number of options that just make me enjoy my meal experience as a whole, and as my lovely girlfriend Karla had never been there, I recently Manned up and took her.

The overall atmosphere of the restaurant was very good; they put us at a special Couple’s Table, a private L shaped booth, which allowed us to sit next to each other without being that awkward couple at the restaurant that you talk about at your table. There are other types of tables of course, though I don’t think that they could easily accommodate groups of more than six people. The decor is understated and pleasant – Comfortable without losing that high class allure. We sat right next to their glass wine-case which was fun in the sense that we got to see all the wines they had, though that, along with the extremely high backs of the booth made for an isolated feel. Handy for a date, probably not as much when you’re with a group. In general though, I was happy with the feel of the place.

I feel I need to take a moment here to say that I waited tables for years, and as such, I have very high expectations of the wait staff. So, please don’t take what I say next lightly – I may have never had a waiter as good as Yoshi. He was personable, prompt, clearly knew the menu and didn’t feed us the lines about how the most expensive item on the menu is also the best. His recommendations were excellent and his descriptions accurate and colorful. I wanted to clone Yoshi and have a version of him everywhere I go. Seriously, he was so great that I’m 60% sure Karla asked him for his number. The remainder of the staff was also good in terms of helping us out, though the tables around clearly did not have the same level of service that Yoshi provided.

The bartender at the Melting Pot did a very good job, though none of the drinks wowed me. I had a dirty martini with extra of the blue cheese olives that I love so much. I also tried two of their more tropical numbers, all of which were good, but didn’t leave me needing more. Which is probably good because if they did I’d be labeled an alcoholic, because you’re judgmental. You heard me. Let’s just move on, I don’t want to fight.

The first course was the cheese fondu coupled with a delicious wedge salad. The fondu that Yoshi recommended was their monthly special, a tasty number with garlic, chives, spices, a touch of Tabasco, and some beer to really bring the fondu together. The featured cheese was a buttery and melty Gruyere that was just fantastic. Their accompanying veggies and breads to dip were great too – I loved the rosemary bread and Karla couldn’t get enough of the brown bread. Go figure :). All in all, it was remarkable and we finished it to the last bite. Interspersed through our cheese munching we enjoyed our wedge salads. It was your typical wedge salad – Lettuce, Gorgonzola, bacon bits with a creamy dressing. Did a great job of breaking up the oiliness of the cheese. We were almost sad to leave this part of the meal behind.

Next came the main course. I must admit at this point that the main course is the primary reason why I am not generally calling to go to the Melting Pot more often. Again, I love cooking my own food or watching it be cooked, both experiences that are featured at the Melting Pot. However, for whatever reason, it never seems like a worthwhile, satisfying meal. They bring a simmering broth full of herbs and seasoning, which smells phenomenal, but never seems to come through as it seems like it ought to. We got the surf and turf dish, including shrimp, lobster, thin sliced sirloin, pork, chicken and a mushroom ravioli. In addition there were large pieces of broccoli, mushrooms and potatoes. There was also a good assortment of sauces, none of which thrilled me except for the veggie dip, a mix of sour cream, cream cheese and herbs, which was delightful. This whole portion of the meal was a flop and really I only ordered it because this was Karla’s first time at Melting Pot and I felt she deserved the full experience. The Sirloin was the best item on the dish, but you really have to be careful not to over cook it. The ravioli were good, though they could have used a bit of something (anything really). The shrimp was fine and we were terrified of under-cooking the chicken and pork and so we really did them a disservice with how long we kept them in the broth. The lobster, normally one of my favorite foods, was the single worst item on the dish. It came out tasting like old seafood – fishy and aromatic with all the wrong notes emphasized. The veggies were fine, though mushrooms and broccoli are near the very bottom of foods I like eating. The potatoes were good and gave me the best indicator of what the broth was supposed to do to the meats, but, ultimately, eh, pass.

Ah, but there was definitely redemption coming. I knew it, Yoshi knew it, and Karla, though a novice at the Melting Pot, sensed it coming. It was time for dessert. We decided, after much discussion, to go with the traditional chocolate with crunchy peanut butter fondue. They melted the chocolate at the table and WOW was it good. They gave us a variety of fruits and cakes to dip into it, along with some marshmallows that were intriguing but didn’t live up to expectations. But everything else was heavenly. I was full but didn’t care, I was going forward with this. The brownies were thick and outlasted the peanuty fondue, giving you something to chew on. The bananas were light and married with the chocolate perfectly for a sensational quick bite. The cold strawberries juxtaposed nicely with the warm, melty chocolate and the rice crispies soaked up more of the chocolate than anything else, surprising you with hidden pockets of deliciousness as you chewed. The best, for me, though was the cheesecake. It was thick and fluffy and when kissed by the chocolate, it made for just an exquisite mixture of taste and texture. Oh, so good. Just talking about it like this makes me want to go back.

All in all, we had a lovely evening at the Melting Pot, and I think we will likely look for more excuses to make it up there in the future. We will ask for Yoshi and just dive into our cheese, salads and chocolate with reckless abandon. Frankly, I can hardly wait.